I know: it’s absurd. We just got back from Spain. Don’t say it. The planning seems lacking, if not downright ridiculous, but it was unavoidable. Trust me: I tried to avoid it, but there it is.

London for three days (business for R, theater for me), then Zurich for four days (wedding), then Venice for ten days.

July - well, summer in its entirety - is not the time to go to Venice, but we’re doing it anyway, because that’s how our particular cookie crumbled. Given the summer heat (which I hate) and the summer crowds (which I hate), I’m going to need a plan to make this work. Here’s what I’ve been thinking:

1. Buy my own gondola. Live in it for ten days. Refuse to come out.
   

   
   Pros: I will not have to pay to get anywhere, thus avoiding the $176/hour fares for private gondola rides. (For $176/hour, that gondola better be made of gold and taste like frosting.) If I want company, I can charge other people for giving them a ride.

   Cons:
   

   • I do not know how to, er, gondol.
   • I get seasick.
   • Gondolas cost $35,000.
   • Gondola insurance might be required to transport strangers.

   Con mitigation: air bags, shock absorbers, gondoling classes, win the lottery.

2. Go out only between the hours of 1AM and 7AM.
   

   
   Pros: No crowds. No heat.
   Cons: No light. General suspicion that I am a vampire.
   Con mitigation: Flashlights. Avoid drinking blood. No capes.

3. Navigate based on crowd density: if there are more than ten people already in a street, take a different street.
   

   
   Pros: I will not get claustrophobic.
   Cons: I will spend most of my day standing in the middle of an intersection.
   Con mitigation: Step 1: Get very famous. Step 2: Hire assistant to clear streets ahead of me.

4. Invent the human hamster ball I’ve been meaning to get around to inventing.
   

   
   Pros: Air-conditioned comfort. Personal space. Floating transport.
   Con: Generator required for air conditioner + intercom system for communicating presence of oncoming hamster ball to crowds may weigh too much to allow for floating in canals.
   Con mitigation: Also invent floating generator. Take megaphone.