We get in at noon. I’ll change into my jumpsuit (see left), load my golden sofa (see left) onto my golf cart (which someone will surely give me for my birthday on Thursday), and head to The Strip.

And here’s where it gets beautiful: 10 casinos, 10 minutes each.

I figure we have about three hours (180 minutes) before we have to be back at the hotel. 180 minutes divided by 10 casinos = 18 minutes each minus at least 8 minutes to get out of one place and on to the next.

1. Mandalay Bay. They have sharks. Sharks and financial ruin? A match made in heaven.
2. The Mirage. There is no way I’m not going to The Secret Garden. They have big cats. And dolphins. Another match made in heaven. I’m hoping this is a 2-for-1 type deal where the dolphins live in the water feature in the tiger pen.
3. The Bellagio. I don’t understand those fountains. They’re on all the Top 10 lists for Vegas but what are you supposed to do when you get there except stare at them? Besides, I’ve done that. I need more of an interactive challenge. Perhaps I’ll bring one of the dolphins over from The Mirage and set it loose in the fountain.
4. The Venetian. Who doesn’t love an indoor canal? Fortunately, they didn’t also import the smell of garbage from Venice. You know what would have been cool to import? Italy. The country. I guess they ran out of space.
5. Caesar’s Palace. Celine Dion? Yes, please! She is possibly my least favorite star, with the exception of Bob Saget, and if I can’t get her autograph, I’ll… Well, I won’t really do anything. I can’t stand her. But if I had her autograph, I might frame it to remind me that she is actually a human being and not the physical incarnation of mediocrity.
6. Wynn Las Vegas. Get it? “Wynn”? As in, “You can’t ‘wynn’ if you don’t play”? I think I’m going to spend my 10 minutes there making that joke to as many people as I can.
7. New York, New York. With a roller coaster. ‘Nuf said.
8. MGM Grand. This is where we stayed last time. There was a flood in one of the penthouses and they have lions. I’m heading back to see my lions and bringing a towel.
9. Luxor. I’m going to the Luxor to acclimate myself to living in a triangle for when I make it big and buy my own pyramid.
10. The Palms. Technically, this is not on The Strip. However, it’s where we’re calling home, so it’s on the list. They have naked(ish) girls and the bad judgment to open a tattoo parlor in the casino in case my bad judgment gets the best of me. Hooray!